Death and Spiritual Awakening
Updated: Dec 31, 2018
Well, I can't be more specific with this title. I actually experience death right in my arms when I was 15 years old. Now, this a subject I hardly talk about with friends, family, or even strangers but I'm ready to tell it now because I want to be as authentic and vulnerable to you all. I have now know that for me to facilitate healing, I must heal myself from the inside out.
I was 15 years when i became pregnant with my boyfriend's baby. We were so young and very scared. When I actually told him the news, he couldn't handle it. He "ghosted" me for several months leaving me to figure everything out by myself. Since I was raised Catholic, abortion was not an option. However, telling my parents was an even harder thing to do. I remember my parents looking down at me with anger, disgrace, shame and pity. It was the worst time of my life.
Now, I was 6 months pregnant feeling depressed and literally having no one to relieve my pain. With my boyfriend going through his issues and my parents feeling like I was a burden, I completely felt alone. Then it happened...in the middle of the night, I felt stomach pains. Since I was so naive, I didn't know I was having contractions. Silly me, I thought the baby was moving really aggressively. So I went to the bathroom to urinate and there my water broke. Still I thought, "wow, that was heavy." I did mention I was naive. To make the long story short, I ended up having my baby on my bed while my young siblings and parents looked on while the ambulance was on their way. I watched the baby, the size of my hand taking the few last breaths. I remembered seeing the heart beats were pumping then flatlined. There i was told by the EMT I had a stillbirth.
Even though, I was so ill prepared to have a child at my age, I made my bed and dealt with it the best I could. I bonded with the baby inside of me. Now, I was more depressed than ever and wanted to commit suicide. I actually put a bunch of pills in my mouth and was ready to die a slow death. Something stopped me... a voice in my head told me that everything will be okay. I still felt like a failure because I couldn't bring a baby full term. The first place I ran to was the Catholic church which we didn't go to every Sunday but there I thought God could hear me the clearest. I fell to my knees and cried my soul out. I remembered my mom saying "everything happens for a reason and you were just not ready." I didn't understand too much but I had to accept what i could not change. Somehow I had this inner knowing that it was God's will. I also felt i have been saved. Now I knew I had to help myself, I dived into Self help and spiritual books like Caroline Myss "The Anatomy of the Spirit." My favorite quote from her is "The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." I was drawn to these books as if I was lead to them by my angels. I prayed and wrote in my journal everyday. I wrote every emotion i had whether it was suicidal thoughts, sadness, gratefulness, etc. That's what saved me as well. I didn't know then but I was having a spiritual awakening. To experience death especially at a young age can be detrimental. That's why it's important to give yourself time to accept what has happened, allow the feelings, emotions, and the grieving process, create value from the experience, and embrace life afterwards.
I would love to hear your story. How did you overcame a tragic event? If you didn't, what advice or positive affirmation can you share? Please subscribe and be a part of my mailing list. I would love to build a community of healers. Each one heals one and we are all healers.